If you could only see the way I love you

I miss him so much sometimes it hurts to think about. I want to cry, I want to call him and hear his voice, I want to hug him again. He always had a way of bringing out the best in me, a time when everything seemed to be falling apart except for him. He always knew when to call and always knew when to be there. I miss that feeling. I miss seeing him and feeling that fleeting feeling in my stomach as if it just leapt up into my esophagus. I miss our nervousness around each other but knowing that the world revolved around us in that one moment. It's not fair it had to be all ripped away, straight out of my grasps. I want it back, all of it. The innocence, the love that I'll probably never find again. He was my best friend and the one person I could always confide in. He was everything then... and I wish he could see he is my everything, now.

A look up gone down.

Went and saw the Harry Potter movie with my family... it was good to get out of Manhattan for an entire day. The drive there and back was even better because I didn't have to look at anyone or think about anything but what I wanted to think about. With my window down [on the way up there] and the clouds moving in, it was awesome. On the way back it was storming and lightning and I just sat there and soaked it all in.

My Grandpa was in the hospital. My mom said he was released last night but he is having a hard time keeping anything down. His symptoms mirror my Great Grandpa before he died when he had stomach cancer, so the doctors are going to run tests on him. Ugh. That sucks. But my Great Grandpa had it almost 30 years ago and they were able to stop it and he survived... so I only have the best of hopes. It just... it came at the perfect time. [sarcasm included]

Please tell me why

Why does my family have to be like that? Seriously, it's just getting to the point where I don't answer their phone calls anymore. I hate having to feel this way. A sense of hopelessness that just won't go away. I can't do anything right, I can't make it all better. I know it shouldn't be my responsibility but I feel, in some ways, it is. Maybe I rely to much on my parents... I know that I do, especially now where financial problems have risen and made it much harder to be able to make it on my own. I'm having to get another weekend job. Not much, but an extra paycheck. Perhaps I'll go and work at Subway again... I know how to do everything there... or worse, McDonalds. I don't want to, but if I had to, I would. I know it's settling for something I don't want to do but I haven't got a choice. I'm in need of some help and only I am going to be able to offer it to me.

Life just seems to keep getting snagged along the way. No matter how much I wriggle and move to try and bust free, there just isn't hope anymore. Everything in the future looks bleak. Everything wasting away. I know I have to keep fighting on, trudging through relentless waters of pain and of suffering to make it across where there is ground... something solid for me to stand on... but the current of giving up is strong and begs me to lay down and have it sweep me away further downstream to where I won't be able to return.

I wish I could just give up... but then life wouldn't be fulfilling. I know that someday, somehow, I will make things right again in my life. I have always wanted to give in to temptation of giving in, but I have always made it out with my head held high, even though a piece of me leaves after every battle.

What I fear is, is that if I fight again there won't be anything left to fight with. I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted with everything and everyone. I don't want to talk to people any more and if I do it's a front. I spend most of the time in my room, sleeping, hoping that when I wake up things will be different again and better. I find myself reading more now than ever before [If I ever thought that was possible] because I don't want to face my own reality. I can't even write anymore, not like I used to.

My dreams seem to be slipping between my fingers; I feel lost and confused. My hopes are no longer thriving hopes. They have become a distant flicker of light somewhere in the darkest nights of drowning. My facial expressions show it, I'm sad all the time and unhappy. My head constantly hurts [more than with the migraines, anyway] and I don't know why. I don't sleep when I should and then fall asleep when I shouldn't. Maybe one of these times I'll drift away behind the wheel only to wake up with my maker.

I don't have the strength to end myself -- it's the most heinous of all sins. I don't have the courage to give up because I know it might get better. I don't have the will power to hope for a brighter day. I don't have the motive to get up in the morning anymore.

It all seems so lost.

Mar. I'm depressing.

Stutter in a mirrored house
Reflections rested restlessly against the shinned glass.
Rock in hand; heart barely beating.
This world on the outside;
those people walking slowly; slow motion catastrophe.
Smiles crooked as the brain's corrupt.
Death swimming with the sea of rotting corpses.
His hair caked with drying remains
of a fight almost worth living for.
Fate twisted and turned;
knotholes fed through knotholes;
hung from the kitchen fan.
Crimson footprints shown on the porcelain tiles.
Crevasses become escape roots for what hangs above.
Screams muffled to the outside world; soundproof.

She should have had the final word.

Very irritated.

I just want to yell at some of the people who call in to the office. I'm not sure why I'm so irritated and ancy. People breathing too heavily on the phone, people who don't understand the common concept of conversation, people who just sit there for a few moments... gathering their thoughts, I suppose. They're being ignorant and I can't take it. It's my first day back after a week, and already I hate sitting here until 5. I'm trying to read my book, and every time I do, someone calls and interrupts. I know I'm getting paid to answer the phone, which I do and I enjoy my job for the most part and realize that I'm not getting paid to read, but if you're going to interrupt, at least do it in a fashion that I can comprehend. When they call and are breathing on the phone so heavily it sounds like they're doing other things on their end of the line, I want to hang up and gag myself with a fork.

Urg... I need to take a chill pill or something.

Last night was fun, and I didn't even really do anything. But I like hanging out with people and talking about random stuff. It's fun to just talk about everything and not worry about every day things that have been going on.

Adam got ahold of me today asking me to hang out or go to a movie. I'm not sure if it's a good idea. He always took advantage of the fact that I had money and he'd always "forget" his wallet or not have any cash all of the sudden when we got to places so I'd end up having to pay. I'm all for sharing the cost, but I'm not taking it on alone... especially since we're not dating, and we're really only friends and will only ever be such. I have no feelings for him, but I feel like he's really pushing the fact that we should hang out ALL the time. I mentioned something about hanging out with some other people and he got very defensive, almost jealous. I don't know what else to think.

Meh, I'm tired of thinking.

Aching Head..

My migraines are coming back in full force. I don't know what causes them and I seriously don't want to know. Psh.

Here lately I've been stuttering more, and I'm not for sure why. I know of a few reasons it could be, but I try not to think about those. I've gotten rid of some people that I thought were friends but used me for information and for what they wanted. I'm just glad that nothing ever DID happen, even though he tried soooo many times... and most people don't believe me. I'm not sure if it's because of the "type" of person I am that I can't be believed that some guy would try to get with me... but you know. I try not to let things bother me.

I've been thinking a lot here lately about my dad and my relationship with my parents. Jenny got married on 7/7, and it really got me thinking about what I want in life and where I want to go. It's hard for me to sit down and be serious about everything like this to people just because I feel like they don't understand. I say I don't ever want to get married or start a life with someone, but I really do... in the future. My dad asked me if he died before he got to walk me down the isle, who would I choose to give me away... he made me bawl, but I didn't cry in front of him. When I got home, I busted out the water works because I can't imagine what I'd do if he died... He's one of my best friends, he can't die.

There's a time in everyone's life when they realize that their dad is mortal and will eventually leave this earth and that he can't conquerer everything you always knew he could... but I don't want to realize this yet. I know it's selfish, but if my dad left me this soon, I don't know what I'd do.

Oh, and the answer: Jared. I want Jared to give me away if my dad isn't here. But God, I hope he is.