Exactly.

Last night is the exact reason I don't hang out with anyone from my past.
At least not in a group... things get brought up that shouldn't.

I closed the door for a reason.

It's like this - the door is apart of me now. It hides what I want it to hide and keeps inside what needs to be left alone. But then in the middle of a fun time, someone found the weakness in the door; the peep hole. But instead of just looking side, they smashed through it leaving the gaping wound yet again.

Now ripped open, it's hollow.

I feel alone again, betrayed, hurt, neglected, scared, used... hollow. It's not fair - I didn't do anything at any time and yet I get to hurt for what they did. And it somehow or another comes up and cuts a fresh line over the last - the one that has never fully closed.

I should just leave for good.
Forget it ever happened and that these people exist.


For the better.

Stupid Me

Every time I even think about it, it makes me go crazy. It happened so long ago, in the past, so why does it haunt my present and future? It's really not fair. I used to give a crap about everything and everyone. Lately, however, I've found myself not caring at all. I don't care about anything I used to. I just want to read and write and just seclude myself from the world.

I know I'm doing it. All my friends even have started to notice that I don't want to do anything anymore. It's not that this thing of my past is making me this way in my present, but it's what started it. I really just wish that part of my life were over - but I keep bringing it on myself. It's over for everyone else... why not me?

Is it because I lost the most during the past? I had more on the line than anyone else? That I will never be whole again? I think yes to all of these.

Anyway - my move to England is looking more prominent. I think a new beginning is what I need. Something to start over with. That's one thing I'm definitely looking forward to. That... and if Chris comes up this summer...

He really does mean more to me than anyone else on this earth. I'd do anything for him and I know he feels the same. We've talked about this before. He wants me to move down there with him... I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know that as soon as I get close to someone I start to push them away in one way or another and I did it all those years ago and I will still do it today. And no, not the same past time memory as I was saying before. But he really is everything I want... I just wish I could say it like I mean it. He knows I care about him more than anything and would love for him to come up here and stay... I miss him terribly and it hurts my heart to even think about him. However, for the life of me, I can't say what I want when the time calls for it.

I never could. Which is why I lost him in the first place... Now here we are again. He'll be the only one I'll ever admit loving. Ever. No one else will have that privilege - not like he has. I may find someone else, who knows... but they will never, ever, be him. I miss him so much right now. :( Poop.

On happy notes - I got a second job working out at the Community Service Program office! :) More money is always exciting. I work way too much. haha.

England

So I'm planning on moving to England to study abroad for the first year (well, my last technically of college but the first year being overseas) and then permanently after I come back to the States to graduate from college. I plan on using this for the time being as something to keep track of what I have been doing and what all I still need to do.

Currently I'm working on applying for a student visa. I still need to call the study abroad office here on campus to get a meeting set up with an advisor and then progress from there. It's going to be a crazy summer/semester.

Jealousy

Why on God's green earth am I jealous of him. I think he is the worst person - figuratively speaking. He did nothing but make my life hell - so why?

Speak

All throughout this year something has been happening. I can't quite put my finger on it because I don't know and I'm not for sure, but I know that somethings happening.

I'm completely and totally anti-social. Never before have I ever been like this. I spend my days at home reading books or watching movies instead of going out with my friends and hanging out with them. I don't even text people anymore. Things have gotten bad and I'm not quite sure why.

Am I scared of something? But of what? Nothing that has happened lately would make me this way - so why do I do it? I push everyone away, I know this... it's my own fault. It's really a catch 22. I want everyone to be there for me yet I push everyone away. I hate irony.

What am I to do, really? Honestly? Not be anti-social - okay, great answer... now what? I have it answered, I know what I should be doing, what I need to be doing and yet I do nothing of the sort. I wish I knew.