A few questions and then some.

My week has been hell. I know the figure of speech implies hell on earth and that my week was just as bad as spending eternity in a flaming pit of whatever... this leads me to the conclusion that my week was not "hell", but so much worse. I would have rather spent this week basking in the eternal flames then be here on earth where everyone I know can walk on me like a doormat.

No, no, no. Walking would be too easy. This was more like shitting on, rolling over, smashing, and then lighting on fire. That would probably be somewhat closer to how this week felt.

I went to study at the library for a test that was today, in which I failed, like the good College student I am. No more than I get there do I receive a text from my 'best-friend' telling me that he never wants to talk to me again. You know, I probably wouldn't have reacted like I did had I not been having the worst week ever, but whatever. It hurt, I cried... a lot.

I started crying in the library, of course, where there are thousands of people roaming around at all hours. I ran out of the library and back to my car, all the while sobbing on the phone to Morgan about everything. A few things that were said:

"I didn't do anything..." - Which I didn't. In fact, the only thing I did do was stick up for him.
"I forgave him..." - This one was usually followed by all sorts of swear words and sobs and pounding my fist against the steering wheel. I don't want to type everything that has happened in the past, but obviously, there's something there that I forgave him over. He knows. Plain and simple.
"He's treating me every bit like Ryan..." - Okay, so maybe not quite like Ryan since he is a complete jack ass and I hate him from every inch of my body. But I was so mad and so upset that this seemed logical at the time. Ryan would call me his 'best' or whatever else and then do things that said completely opposite... we're not getting into just what he did. That's too painful to bring up.
"I knew it was coming..." - I still know. I just don't understand why I let myself do this... I do usually set myself up to get hurt...
"I never want to get close to anyone ever again..." - Morgan explained that you have to get close to people to find out if they will be true or not. I say that's crap.
"I don't understand..." - This one was said a LOT. Just because I still don't.
"He said he cares about me; you don't do this to who you care about..." - This one kind of tied in to the whole Ryan one. And I still stand by this, you don't do that to who you care about.

So after I talked to Morgan and didn't calm down one bit, I tried to contact Mike with very little leeway. Of course, I thought he wasn't going to talk to me because of whatever so I was driving around so I could calm down. That, and I wasn't about to explain this to my roommates.

After about an hour, Mike finally called. I said many of the things up there and then some added things... that I'm not really sure if I said to Morgan or not, but they had more impact talking to Mike.
"You don't trust me..." - Which, I'm not sure if he'll ever "truly" trust me. It's kind of sad that I don't know if he will or not. He said his "best friend" and the "love of his life" was teaming up against him. Oh so wrong. I never, ever, would team up against him, ever. Doubt he realizes that.
"I forgave you for everything..." - I did, too. Everything. Just like that. Stupid move. I loose.
"I never expected this from you..." - I didn't. Now I know, I guess. It just sucks that no matter what now, the trust shit is back to about half. Not completely away, but definitely not all there.
"I don't trust you..." - This one is a little too personal to finish the entirety of it, but I'm sure if Mike reads this, he'll know what I meant...
"I just don't know..." - And this is because I didn't; still don't.
"It's not fair..." - It's not. These last two are kind of common sense phrases but can have quite the impact when I'm driving while sobbing and can't see the road. Which, by the way, I recommend you not trying that. It's kind of scary. Especially at night.
"It's not okay..." - Still isn't, really.

He came over, though. Went and got ice cream and all that jazz. I don't know. I tried to put a happy face on, but inside, I still had the stab wounds wide open. They still hurt.

So then today Chelsea and Laura get into a fight right outside my door. Chelsea thinks I'm talking shit about her, which I'm not and never would. It seems as if my words like to get twisted and then reinserted into my mouth which always comes back to haunt me. F' that. I'd rather not say anything at all ever again... which is a slight possibility. I know from now on, however, that I will not be here for advise. I'll be here to listen like the friend and person I am but I will never succumb to the advise end of things.

I really hate everything and pretty much everyone right now.

New - A journey known as my day.

Today I decided to call my mom and let her know about my weekend. I don't usually talk to my mom a lot so I decided why not, it couldn't hurt. The phone call was more about this weekend and everything that occurred then anything else, but I wanted to clue my mom in. Normally, she says that I don't talk to her at all, so I've been trying to call her and just talk [and not ask for something] more lately, so she feels included in my life.
To start this right, I have to inform you of the weekend. Friday was dreadful. I sat at my house doing nothing all day. I don't know if it's because I just didn't want to talk to anyone or if it was because I was truly tired from the week. This, of course, would be later on in the evening and not during the day. The day's of Friday's are crazy. I have class all morning, work before and after classes and then tutorings. Back to where I was... so that evening, I painted my nails [for a later purpose] and watched scary stories on TV. Nothing interesting about it, to say the least. I ended up reading a few chapters in a required book, took a shower and headed off to bed. Nothing too eventful. I think more had to do with the fact that Mike wasn't here and wouldn't be here to celebrate the Halloween events that were going on this weekend that had me bummed. But I couldn't blame him, seriously. In fact, I felt awful for making that my "excuse" to feel bummed. His grandmother passed away and was in Chicago to visit with family and to attend her funeral. I feel like a horrible person for feeling bad that he wasn't here to party and hang out...
Then, Saturday happened. One of the worst days I have experienced in a long while. There was a party I was supposed to attend that evening at Jessica's house. Her and I have been friends since I can remember, perhaps even further back then I can remember, who knows? Her roommates were throwing a Halloween party so her and I decided to go as members of a punk-rock girl band. I got all ready and excited about it, spray painted my hair with pink tips, glitter, 80's makeup, you name it, I did it. I get to Jessica's house and no one was there. I tried getting a hold of her and nothing. So I started driving back home when she text messaged me saying that her roommates just left so there's no party. So yet again, I felt isolated and alone. No one was here I could talk to and the few people I wanted to see weren't in contact range.
Now, the hardest part about the night wasn't that there was no party, though I was extremely frustrated that I got all ready and now there was no where to go... but the hardest part about the night was my roommate and friend, Chelsea, telling me she's going to move out. Chelsea didn't tell me to my face, but over text messaging... while I was across the hall. It sucked. Everything about that night was stupid and pissed me off.
Which leads to me calling my mom today to tell her about this weekend. I got to talking about the roommate situation and everything that happened this weekend and she said something about moving back home. I told her there is no way I'd move back home. I like to come and go when I please, have friends over to stay the night when I want, eat what I want, have parties, hell, I could have sex without worrying about my parents... that's just a no go. She gave me the biggest guilt trip about her loosing the house and what would I do if my dad was on the street. She seriously knows how to make me feel like utter crap. She knows I love her just as much as I do my dad, but she insists that I love him more than her, which is dumb. Why, I don't know. She thinks I talk to him more and pity him. It's only fair to say that the only reason why this would be possible is because of my life growing up with my mom. It was one of the hardest things I had to endure.

Midterms

They're over! That's right! I'm so excited that I don't have anything until December... except for papers and small tests. The test I took today was worthless and almost the entire class had no idea what was going on. I hope I don't fail it... man. That would not be a good thing at all. Oh well.

I still have to get a costume for this weekend. Dangit.

Nobody knows it but me..

I can't stand this anymore. I don't know why I feel this way and why I'm so angry. I feel like hitting someone or something. I just hate everything and anything lately. I don't want to do anything, I just want sleep. Just sit here and cry. But no one knows anything but myself.

I've come to the realization...

I completely and totally.. 100%... suck at Halo 3. :P No matter what I do, I can't kill anyone. Dangit. What a pitty.

This was a waste of space, however, it's writing something. Do I smell a commitment to something? Probably not, but the whiff was good while it lasted.

Everything hurts.

I'm just tired of this all. I'm back to old habits. I'm back to not caring. I'm back to my old self, and that's not a good thing. But then again, I don't give one shit about any of it. Who cares anyway.

It's 8:54 a.m.

The only reason why I am up this early when I don't have to be is because of my parents. Guess what my mom needed this morning? Money. If you guessed it, I don't know what you get... can't think of it now.

You see, I got my financial aid this morning... last night... whenever within those two days. So this morning at 7:30 a.m. I get a phone call from the one and only mega-bitch to wake me up and say that she needs 500 dollars in her account from my account and that she'd "pay me back" by Monday. If she had the cash to do it, then why use my money?

I understand that we're supposed to help out my parents if they need it and we have it... and it's not like I have anything in mind for that money -- except for reassurance that I'm not going to fail at life; yet -- but it makes me mad that she demanded it and JUST from me.

So now, I ask you --you being my mind, maybe?-- why on earth didn't my mom ask Melinda for financial help as well? I would have been more eager to help had it only been 250 and not 500. So I asked my dad when he got here to use my truck, as well. -- I must be living some type of luxury life if my parents keep borrowing everything I have -- Melinda had to borrow money from a friend for her to pay rent, which is ridiculous and pissed me off. She hasn't paid back her friend and she's been driving around with my mom's car without having to pay a dime on it. So Melinda got the money, too, why not ask her for some? My dad told me that Melinda is putting 400 of that towards the car and paying 300 to her friend. If Melinda pays a dime on that car, I'd be surprised. I doubt my mom would let her precious Melinda pay on that car.

From now on, my phone is going on silent.

Beeming :)

I got to talk to him tonight. Even though we were running out of the usual things to talk about 24 minutes into the conversation and we were both yawning on the phone... it was amazing. Those were the best 24 minutes of today.

My prayers are going out tonight to those who have lost or have not found loved ones after the bridge in Minneapolis today collapsed.

Another prayer to Stephanie Baker and her fiance and their son. May her son rest in peace. God gave him for a moment and took him back forever to be in his kingdom.

If you could only see the way I love you

I miss him so much sometimes it hurts to think about. I want to cry, I want to call him and hear his voice, I want to hug him again. He always had a way of bringing out the best in me, a time when everything seemed to be falling apart except for him. He always knew when to call and always knew when to be there. I miss that feeling. I miss seeing him and feeling that fleeting feeling in my stomach as if it just leapt up into my esophagus. I miss our nervousness around each other but knowing that the world revolved around us in that one moment. It's not fair it had to be all ripped away, straight out of my grasps. I want it back, all of it. The innocence, the love that I'll probably never find again. He was my best friend and the one person I could always confide in. He was everything then... and I wish he could see he is my everything, now.

A look up gone down.

Went and saw the Harry Potter movie with my family... it was good to get out of Manhattan for an entire day. The drive there and back was even better because I didn't have to look at anyone or think about anything but what I wanted to think about. With my window down [on the way up there] and the clouds moving in, it was awesome. On the way back it was storming and lightning and I just sat there and soaked it all in.

My Grandpa was in the hospital. My mom said he was released last night but he is having a hard time keeping anything down. His symptoms mirror my Great Grandpa before he died when he had stomach cancer, so the doctors are going to run tests on him. Ugh. That sucks. But my Great Grandpa had it almost 30 years ago and they were able to stop it and he survived... so I only have the best of hopes. It just... it came at the perfect time. [sarcasm included]

Please tell me why

Why does my family have to be like that? Seriously, it's just getting to the point where I don't answer their phone calls anymore. I hate having to feel this way. A sense of hopelessness that just won't go away. I can't do anything right, I can't make it all better. I know it shouldn't be my responsibility but I feel, in some ways, it is. Maybe I rely to much on my parents... I know that I do, especially now where financial problems have risen and made it much harder to be able to make it on my own. I'm having to get another weekend job. Not much, but an extra paycheck. Perhaps I'll go and work at Subway again... I know how to do everything there... or worse, McDonalds. I don't want to, but if I had to, I would. I know it's settling for something I don't want to do but I haven't got a choice. I'm in need of some help and only I am going to be able to offer it to me.

Life just seems to keep getting snagged along the way. No matter how much I wriggle and move to try and bust free, there just isn't hope anymore. Everything in the future looks bleak. Everything wasting away. I know I have to keep fighting on, trudging through relentless waters of pain and of suffering to make it across where there is ground... something solid for me to stand on... but the current of giving up is strong and begs me to lay down and have it sweep me away further downstream to where I won't be able to return.

I wish I could just give up... but then life wouldn't be fulfilling. I know that someday, somehow, I will make things right again in my life. I have always wanted to give in to temptation of giving in, but I have always made it out with my head held high, even though a piece of me leaves after every battle.

What I fear is, is that if I fight again there won't be anything left to fight with. I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted with everything and everyone. I don't want to talk to people any more and if I do it's a front. I spend most of the time in my room, sleeping, hoping that when I wake up things will be different again and better. I find myself reading more now than ever before [If I ever thought that was possible] because I don't want to face my own reality. I can't even write anymore, not like I used to.

My dreams seem to be slipping between my fingers; I feel lost and confused. My hopes are no longer thriving hopes. They have become a distant flicker of light somewhere in the darkest nights of drowning. My facial expressions show it, I'm sad all the time and unhappy. My head constantly hurts [more than with the migraines, anyway] and I don't know why. I don't sleep when I should and then fall asleep when I shouldn't. Maybe one of these times I'll drift away behind the wheel only to wake up with my maker.

I don't have the strength to end myself -- it's the most heinous of all sins. I don't have the courage to give up because I know it might get better. I don't have the will power to hope for a brighter day. I don't have the motive to get up in the morning anymore.

It all seems so lost.

Mar. I'm depressing.

Stutter in a mirrored house
Reflections rested restlessly against the shinned glass.
Rock in hand; heart barely beating.
This world on the outside;
those people walking slowly; slow motion catastrophe.
Smiles crooked as the brain's corrupt.
Death swimming with the sea of rotting corpses.
His hair caked with drying remains
of a fight almost worth living for.
Fate twisted and turned;
knotholes fed through knotholes;
hung from the kitchen fan.
Crimson footprints shown on the porcelain tiles.
Crevasses become escape roots for what hangs above.
Screams muffled to the outside world; soundproof.

She should have had the final word.

Very irritated.

I just want to yell at some of the people who call in to the office. I'm not sure why I'm so irritated and ancy. People breathing too heavily on the phone, people who don't understand the common concept of conversation, people who just sit there for a few moments... gathering their thoughts, I suppose. They're being ignorant and I can't take it. It's my first day back after a week, and already I hate sitting here until 5. I'm trying to read my book, and every time I do, someone calls and interrupts. I know I'm getting paid to answer the phone, which I do and I enjoy my job for the most part and realize that I'm not getting paid to read, but if you're going to interrupt, at least do it in a fashion that I can comprehend. When they call and are breathing on the phone so heavily it sounds like they're doing other things on their end of the line, I want to hang up and gag myself with a fork.

Urg... I need to take a chill pill or something.

Last night was fun, and I didn't even really do anything. But I like hanging out with people and talking about random stuff. It's fun to just talk about everything and not worry about every day things that have been going on.

Adam got ahold of me today asking me to hang out or go to a movie. I'm not sure if it's a good idea. He always took advantage of the fact that I had money and he'd always "forget" his wallet or not have any cash all of the sudden when we got to places so I'd end up having to pay. I'm all for sharing the cost, but I'm not taking it on alone... especially since we're not dating, and we're really only friends and will only ever be such. I have no feelings for him, but I feel like he's really pushing the fact that we should hang out ALL the time. I mentioned something about hanging out with some other people and he got very defensive, almost jealous. I don't know what else to think.

Meh, I'm tired of thinking.

Aching Head..

My migraines are coming back in full force. I don't know what causes them and I seriously don't want to know. Psh.

Here lately I've been stuttering more, and I'm not for sure why. I know of a few reasons it could be, but I try not to think about those. I've gotten rid of some people that I thought were friends but used me for information and for what they wanted. I'm just glad that nothing ever DID happen, even though he tried soooo many times... and most people don't believe me. I'm not sure if it's because of the "type" of person I am that I can't be believed that some guy would try to get with me... but you know. I try not to let things bother me.

I've been thinking a lot here lately about my dad and my relationship with my parents. Jenny got married on 7/7, and it really got me thinking about what I want in life and where I want to go. It's hard for me to sit down and be serious about everything like this to people just because I feel like they don't understand. I say I don't ever want to get married or start a life with someone, but I really do... in the future. My dad asked me if he died before he got to walk me down the isle, who would I choose to give me away... he made me bawl, but I didn't cry in front of him. When I got home, I busted out the water works because I can't imagine what I'd do if he died... He's one of my best friends, he can't die.

There's a time in everyone's life when they realize that their dad is mortal and will eventually leave this earth and that he can't conquerer everything you always knew he could... but I don't want to realize this yet. I know it's selfish, but if my dad left me this soon, I don't know what I'd do.

Oh, and the answer: Jared. I want Jared to give me away if my dad isn't here. But God, I hope he is.

Well shit.

This summer sucks, too.


Damn.