Stupid Me

Every time I even think about it, it makes me go crazy. It happened so long ago, in the past, so why does it haunt my present and future? It's really not fair. I used to give a crap about everything and everyone. Lately, however, I've found myself not caring at all. I don't care about anything I used to. I just want to read and write and just seclude myself from the world.

I know I'm doing it. All my friends even have started to notice that I don't want to do anything anymore. It's not that this thing of my past is making me this way in my present, but it's what started it. I really just wish that part of my life were over - but I keep bringing it on myself. It's over for everyone else... why not me?

Is it because I lost the most during the past? I had more on the line than anyone else? That I will never be whole again? I think yes to all of these.

Anyway - my move to England is looking more prominent. I think a new beginning is what I need. Something to start over with. That's one thing I'm definitely looking forward to. That... and if Chris comes up this summer...

He really does mean more to me than anyone else on this earth. I'd do anything for him and I know he feels the same. We've talked about this before. He wants me to move down there with him... I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know that as soon as I get close to someone I start to push them away in one way or another and I did it all those years ago and I will still do it today. And no, not the same past time memory as I was saying before. But he really is everything I want... I just wish I could say it like I mean it. He knows I care about him more than anything and would love for him to come up here and stay... I miss him terribly and it hurts my heart to even think about him. However, for the life of me, I can't say what I want when the time calls for it.

I never could. Which is why I lost him in the first place... Now here we are again. He'll be the only one I'll ever admit loving. Ever. No one else will have that privilege - not like he has. I may find someone else, who knows... but they will never, ever, be him. I miss him so much right now. :( Poop.

On happy notes - I got a second job working out at the Community Service Program office! :) More money is always exciting. I work way too much. haha.